February 14, aka Valentine’s Day, is fast approaching. Are you having mixed feelings about that? Maybe you don’t have a valentine? And that makes you sad. Or maybe you do have someone but it doesn’t feel like that person is your valentine? That can be even worse. The bottom line is if you’re having mixed feelings about Valentine’s Day you certainly are not alone. It seems that for a day meant to express love it somehow ends up causing pain for a lot of people.

Let’s start with those of you who are not in a relationship, and therefore do not technically have a valentine. What could be more depressing than the entire nation celebrating a relationship that seems to exclude  you by definition? But does it really? I am not officially in a relationship, but I send Valentine wishes to my children and grandchildren, and they reciprocate. Maybe that doesn’t count, but they are truly the loves of my life, and I feel very loved when we engage in this Valentimes Day ritual.

But what if you don’t have children or grandchildren and you don’t have a valentine? This is one of those times when it’s important to love yourself. Irrespective of your circumstances, you can still spread the love on Valentine’s Day and save a big chunk of it for you know who….. You!

You may have to be creative, but I promise you it will be worth it. Buy yourself a red rose 🥀 , write yourself a poem, take yourself out for a special treat, luxuriate in a hot bath, make yourself your favorite dinner or do all of those things 🙂 In other words, pamper yourself on Valentine’s Day. No where does it say we can’t be our own Valentine.

For those of you who are in a relationship, Valentine’s Day can test that relationship as it is often experienced as causing unwanted pressure. Let’s start with the pressure on how to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Guys in particular often tell me they don’t know what the expectation is. Are they supposed to take their Valentine out to dinner?  Buy roses? Is a heart-shaped box of chocolates the thing? Or all of the above? Or a romantic evening at home? What’s a guy to do? 

But it isn’t just the guys, women may also feel anxious that their gifts don’t measure up and worry that they may under-impress their partner. Then there’s the social media pressure to have the best Valentine’s Day ever by going to an expensive restaurant, exchanging expensive gifts and document it all on social media ….(AkA brag about it:)Ugh..that is a lot of pressure!

If you do engage in the whole social media thing, (and I advise against it on principle) the cycle of comparing yourself definitely kicks in when it comes to Valentine’s Day. If you’re not careful, the social media alone can send you into a tailspin since everyone else’s Valentine’s Day always seems to look so much more glamorous than yours.

But where Valentine’s Day is particularly difficult is for people who are having relationship issues as it seems to highlight them. Don’t just take my word for it two psychology professors, Morse and Neuberg, found in their research that Valentine’s Day can reveal, highlight and even exacerbate ongoing relationship difficulties such as: 

    •    Sexual and intimacy difficulties 

    •    Significant differences in core values and beliefs 

    •    Feelings of boredom in the relationship 

    •    Communication difficulties

While those are important problems, the question is why are they worse on Valentine’s Day? Why does a holiday focused on love and appreciation bring so many problems to light? Not sure that we really have the answer to that but one thing we do know for sure is that February is a big month for breakups. Many people that I treat in couples therapy want to get through the holidays and I guess you could say start the new year right by ending a failing relationship. Unfortunately that falls right before Valentine’s Day.

 I have also had patients who were dating someone who  considered breaking  up because the pressure of Valentine’s Day was too much for them. And by that I mean they couldn’t figure out how they felt about the relationship and they weren’t sure how they wanted to represent themselves on a day that is supposed to be about true love so they concidered bailing.

So how do we manage these pressures? Easy, communicate. Talk to each other about what your expectations are. Do you want a lavish night or a quiet night at home? Do you want expensive gifts or something less pricey and more personal. Communication is key in any relationship and certainly it is key when it comes to  how you spend your Valentine’s Day with the person or people that you care about.

When I’m doing win-win negotiation skills training with corporations, I have them start out by identifying what they can agree upon. All too often the focus has been only on the points of disagreement. You’d be amazed how many contracts role forward within hours of this exercise as each side discovers that there is more agreement than disagreement.

This is normal behavior. We all tend to focus on our differences when we negotiate. The problem is we never get to what we can agree upon because we get stuck on said differences. When we focus on what we have in common or what we can agree upon, we are usually much more in sync than we ever dreamed. Communication 🙂 

One couple I worked with decided that their ideal Valentine’s Day would be a hike, weather permitting. They would never have come to this realization had we not done the exercise identifying what they agreed would be refreshing and fun for them nevermind the traditional Valentine’s Day. It turned out they agreed they did not want to go out and spend a bunch of money, and that Valentine’s Day should be more personal and less giving in to other people’s expectations. But if they hadn’t been checking in with each other to find out what the other person really enjoyed, they would never have figured that out. And they might have just done something that neither of them was really particularly invested in doing. Communication!

I’m hoping that some of this resonates and that you have a wonderful Valentine’s Day. If you need help with these kinds of issues, please contact me at office@mindweightwellnesspro.com. Or call me at 513-205-6543. Stay tuned for Gay Valentines Day in my next article.