The new year is approaching! Many people focus on repairing their relationships when it comes to New Year’s resolutions. Improvement in this area of your life can start with a conversation about better boundaries with another person or could start with becoming more self-aware. Let\’s tackle the boundaries first. 

Establish the Boundaries By Clearly Stating Your Expectations

Boundaries are important for any relationship. Whether it be with your partner, parents, siblings, fellow students, or coworkers. Boundaries instill a level of comfort with the persons that are a part of our life. It is important to have boundaries so that you feel safe and comfortable. But it is even more important to be clear about what your boundaries are and to share them. 

Some categories of boundaries include:

• Physical (not wanting someone in your personal space)

• Emotional (letting someone know if a particular action is emotionally triggering)

• Sexual (making sure you feel safe in a sexual relationship. Also feeling safe in nonsexual relationships by confronting sexual innuendo)

• Work environment (feeling secure and able to do your job) 

• Personal items (such as belongings)

• Time (understanding and voicing use and misuse of your time)

• Artistic boundaries 

While not everyone may be accepting of the boundaries that you set, you have a better chance of getting your needs met if you are clear about them. Everyone has different levels of comfortability, such as the hugger in the family versus the person who sticks to fist bumps. No one should be expected to guess what someone else is or is not comfortable with. This is especially true for parents and their children. 

An adult patient of mine said she came home at 3:00 a.m. expecting everyone to be asleep and even though she was super quiet, her father was waiting up for her and asked her where she’d been. She was astonished that he was up, but even more astonished that he thought he had a right to ask her that question. He, on the other hand, was astonished that she was out so late for “no apparent reason” and for not letting anyone know where she was or what time she’d be home. Turns out, he was mostly angry because his wife could not sleep and would not let him sleep until her daughter was back home safe and sound. This problem could have been avoided with communication focused on managing expectations such as saying:

“Don’t wait up for me mom and dad. The gang is probably going to be hanging out until quite late.”

Another boundary violation is unsolicited advice. For the adult child, let your parents know if their advice is welcome or not. When you present a problem or a worry that you have, they may assume that you want their advice and offer it unsolicited. Hint: You may first have to decide what it is you do want. Do you want coaching? A shoulder to cry on or a sounding board to bounce an idea off of but not necessarily input and/or advice? Or are you looking for input? If you are, what kind of input? Advice, feedback, perspective? Figure it out and be clear about it, or you may get a whole lot of nothing, or a whole lot of something you don’t need and don’t want.. Know that it is ok to ask for advice, but it’s also ok to ask that they not jump in with advice every time you stress out about your situation. Sometimes we just want to vent. Most people do not want to be rescued.

That said, one very effective way to bring up boundaries with someone is the use of an “I” message instead of the “You” message (which is always experienced by the receiver as accusatory). For example, if you have a family member that is a hugger and you aren’t comfortable with it, use:

“As much as I love your grandma, I am not comfortable with hugging, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you or that I’m not happy to see you. I’m happy to see you.”

Instead of:

“You really need to stop trying to hug me.”

Or 

“I feel uncomfortable discussing politics. I would really appreciate it if we could talk about something else.”

Next week I will talk about how errors in thinking can damage your relationships. But if you would like help with figuring out what your boundaries are and how to set them, feel free to reach out to me today at (513) 205-6543.